Mr Orange

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I got a job yesterday.  It's with a modern, techno-centric company.  I'm making enough to pay the bills.  I'm interacting with staff.  I'm not stuck in my 800 SF condo every day. 

I thought once these things would happen I'd feel happy.  Well, I'm not.  I haven't been happy in over a decade.  Everything is routine.  Everything is just what I've already seen.  I've done it all.  It's all just a rehash of what I've lived through already in some way, shape, or form.  Even when I am nervous about something - which I am about a lot of things - I don't go into the experience thinking "every person who has done this has gone in nervous has come out of it thinking it was amazing."  I go into the experience thinking "let's just get this over with."  

I have the above song - Plumb, "Need You Now" on repeat.  I feel like I'm at a dead end.  I know people love me.  I know I serve many well.  For me to depart this earth would leave them devastated but I sit here slowly bleeding out, my distance from true contentment just growing larger. I don't want to let the people I love down but I don't know how much more of this I can take.